Without further ado, here they are:

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went
to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack
in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail
your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then
you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear
that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Life is a shit sandwich & everyday you take another bite.

A bird in the hand will probably shit on your wrist.

I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words."

Some of the greatest writers this world has ever known have written
their finest works while happily and blissfully drunk...and so shall I.

I know they say love is blind, but does it also have to be deaf, dumb,
and stupid?

How do you tell if a toadstool is poisonous?
Eat it; if you die, it was poisonous.

My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down --
but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors
so let's all have another round.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

A man lived in a house on a flood plain. A week of drenching storms came. As
the waters started to rise, the neighbors began evacuating to higher ground for
safety. A rescue truck came for the man, but he refused to leave. "I believe
in God. He will save me and my house," said the man. The next day, the rivers
were up to his doorstep. Rescue workers motored by in a boat, and pleaded with
the man to leave with them to safer heights. "I trust in God," he said. "God
will save me. I have no need of your help." After that, the waters rose past
his windows, and the man sat on the roof of his house as the rains continued.
A rescue helicopter came by, begging the man to leave his house. "God will
save me," he said again. Finally, the waters rose over his roof and the man
drowned. He showed up at the pearly gates and said to God: "I was a devout
man, living my life for you, God. Why did you let me die?" God replied: "What
are you talking about? I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter. What more
did you need?"

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

It's not how many Umpa-Loompas one fits into a thimble; it's the fact that he
tries.

If a wrench won't work...get a bigger hammer.

But besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?